Thank you for your insightful comment and question. This is a subject that I could speak to you about at length but I will distill my thoughts in the interest of time and space.

As parents trying to raise conscientious children, we walk a fine line between trying to instill gentility while concurrently preaching safety. This is no easy task. On the one hand, you’d like your son to be helpful when called upon but clearly you recognize the caution with which this endeavor must be approached. Ideally, when your children are small (you said your son is 21 months), it is a good idea to try and teach them that seeking your permission before going off to help people they don’t know well is a part of daily life. This will not work well until your child becomes a more efficient communicator but there is no time like the present to start. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate permission process and over time it will come down to a second-nature raised eyebrow glance by your child and a nod from you. The motivation behind this process is manifold: Obviously, this helps you keep track of your son but it also sends a message to him over time and that message is, “Take a moment and think about where you’re going and with whom. Would your mom approve?”

What you’re trying to do ultimately is prepare your child for the times when you’re NOT there to offer permission. I intend to write a lengthier piece about this in the future but an important component to your question is to teach your child that everyone has a “job” in his life. The piano teacher’s job is to teach him piano, she does not offer massages and videos. The soccer coach’s job is to teach your child soccer, he does not watch him change clothes and touch him in the supply room. Aside from yourself, your partner and one or two people you “clear” (perhaps a grandparent or a nanny) no one is allowed to touch your child’s “bathing suit parts” — the privates covered by a typical bathing suit — and if they do, he/she is to tell you immediately.

I still stand by my initial advice which is to teach your child that overall adults don’t need help from children. This is not the same as a teacher, yard duty, or someone installed regularly in your child’s life asking him/her to help clean up messes he has made. Rather, it applies in situations where unknown adults should be able to handle things themselves like loading books into the trunks of cars, looking for lost pets, or trying to read a map while sitting in an automobile. All your child has to say in this situation is, “I’m sorry, I don’t help adults I don’t know.” As he walks away from a situation like that, he’ll probably be proudly thinking to himself, “My mom would never have given me permission to do that” and all of the permission granting and denying will have been worth it.

Best of luck to you. Thank you again for your question.

One thing I wonder about though: adults DO ask my 21 month-old son for “help” all the time. Just today an aid (that I don’t know or interact with) at my son’s class asked him to help them find all the balls around the play yard and put them away. Not the same as looking for a kitten, and I was fairly nearby, but…I guess my point is that toddlers are being asked to help by adults other than their parents all the time and they do take pride in being good helpers.

So how do we help them distinguish if the “stranger” term is meaningless? Should I be making it clear somehow that he needs to be getting my OK to help with these chores and things? It comes up so often and so innocently, I’m just not sure how that would work.

Thanks again for the thoughtful piece. Pamela