Written by Jane Park-Dolan
When I was a child it was drilled into our heads like multiplication tables or the preamble to the Constitution, “stranger danger.” Whatever you do, wherever you go, stay away from the dreaded stranger.
Have you ever stopped to think just who your child considers a stranger? Sure, the solicitor at the door collecting money is a stranger but what about your mail carrier whom your child sees several times a week coming to your door? What about the checker at the grocery story you engage in small talk with? How about the man waiting at the bus stop who says “hello” to you as you pass by on your morning walk? Surprisingly, (or perhaps not) your child most likely no longer considers anyone you engage in any sort of conversation with a stranger. Once you open the communication gates with a person whom you certainly would still consider a stranger, your child no longer sees them that way. They are now the, “nice man mommy says hello to at the bus stop” or “the girl who helps mommy put groceries in the car at the market.” Child predators know this and they will use it to their advantage. The man at the bus stop most likely is giving you a well-intended salutation, however, there have been cases where child predators will “post” themselves along the path of a child walking to school so that they may develop a “relationship” with that child that the child never sees coming. “Hello” turns into a more specific rapport about something the predator has learned about the child; his/her name from a backpack or piece of clothing , the child’s interest in a superhero or television show, the child’s interest in a particular sport. Once this relationship is established, trust develops and your child is in danger.
The overwhelming majority of sexual crimes against children occur from someone the child knows; a family member, babysitter, etc. however, it is important to include in your regular talks with your child concepts like who is a “safe adult” and who is not. Teach your child that grown-ups never ask children for help and that your child should never go with anyone without your permission to look for lost puppies or to help them put things in their car. If a grown-up asks your child for help in this manner, your child should refuse and tell you immediately. If you’d like, make questioning your child about who is a “safe adult” and who is not a fun game but don’t frighten them by rebuking them if their answers are not the correct ones even if you find yourself terrified by the fact that your child thinks the man at the gas station your regularly patronize is your friend. Calmly and lovingly explain why this is not so and try it with other peripheral people in your life, too. Empower your child to feel good about moving about in the world. Self-esteem is the very best defense against would-be predators.
Tags: safety, teaching kids about strangers
Great article! Really made me think about things differently.
One thing I wonder about though: adults DO ask my 21 month-old son for “help” all the time. Just today an aid (that I don’t know or interact with) at my son’s class asked him to help them find all the balls around the play yard and put them away. Not the same as looking for a kitten, and I was fairly nearby, but…I guess my point is that toddlers are being asked to help by adults other than their parents all the time and they do take pride in being good helpers.
So how do we help them distinguish if the “stranger” term is meaningless? Should I be making it clear somehow that he needs to be getting my OK to help with these chores and things? It comes up so often and so innocently, I’m just not sure how that would work.
Thanks again for the thoughtful piece. Pamela
Dear Pamela,
Thank you for your insightful comment and question. This is a subject that I could speak to you about at length but I will distill my thoughts in the interest of time and space.
As parents trying to raise conscientious children, we walk a fine line between trying to instill gentility while concurrently preaching safety. This is no easy task. On the one hand, you’d like your son to be helpful when called upon but clearly you recognize the caution with which this endeavor must be approached. Ideally, when your children are small (you said your son is 21 months), it is a good idea to try and teach them that seeking your permission before going off to help people they don’t know well is a part of daily life. This will not work well until your child becomes a more efficient communicator but there is no time like the present to start. It doesn’t have to be an elaborate permission process and over time it will come down to a second-nature raised eyebrow glance by your child and a nod from you. The motivation behind this process is manifold: Obviously, this helps you keep track of your son but it also sends a message to him over time and that message is, “Take a moment and think about where you’re going and with whom. Would your mom approve?”
What you’re trying to do ultimately is prepare your child for the times when you’re NOT there to offer permission. I intend to write a lengthier piece about this in the future but an important component to your question is to teach your child that everyone has a “job” in his life. The piano teacher’s job is to teach him piano, she does not offer massages and videos. The soccer coach’s job is to teach your child soccer, he does not watch him change clothes and touch him in the supply room. Aside from yourself, your partner and one or two people you “clear” (perhaps a grandparent or a nanny) no one is allowed to touch your child’s “bathing suit parts” — the privates covered by a typical bathing suit — and if they do, he/she is to tell you immediately.
I still stand by my initial advice which is to teach your child that overall adults don’t need help from children. This is not the same as a teacher, yard duty, or someone installed regularly in your child’s life asking him/her to help clean up messes he has made. Rather, it applies in situations where unknown adults should be able to handle things themselves like loading books into the trunks of cars, looking for lost pets, or trying to read a map while sitting in an automobile. All your child has to say in this situation is, “I’m sorry, I don’t help adults I don’t know.” As he walks away from a situation like that, he’ll probably be proudly thinking to himself, “My mom would never have given me permission to do that” and all of the permission granting and denying will have been worth it.
Best of luck to you. Thank you again for your question.